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Submitted on
October 27, 2012
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Ever so silent
I cross the shores of the eternal waves.
Lightbeams are the rude intruders
That enter and leave and betray
My vision

Ever so blurred
The image of the Could Have Been remains.
I stare at the flicker
That dances and swings and searches
My body

Ever so stunned
I'm shaking with the violent thought.
Darkness beach wants me to leave
So I can feel and mock and soothe
My soul

Ever so broken
An old tune reaches my brain synapses.
Waves crushing on the sand
So I have to move - forward or backward.
Cold or unknown.
Just a bit of spontaneous poetry. Hope you enjoy.

I feel like there's something missing though.... Just can't tell what.

All feedback - comments especially . is highly appreciated!
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow, I think you managed to convey the sense of emptiness very well with this, I imagine a void, and black sand for some reason...the light beams are also some powerful imagery, but you know what I love the most? The final stanza!  The ocean ebb and flow of the waves forcing movement.  I like poetry that evokes vivid images - though I'm not so great and deep interpretations
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:iconselimeia:
Selimeia Nov 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much (again) for the appreciation. The black sand happened to be in my head when I wrote this, too, for some reason... :D

Deep interpretation or not - I'm curious. What do you see in the poem, what do you think it's about? :)
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:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Nov 20, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome!

I think its about wanting to move on but being unable to, and stagnating...or at least that's how it feels, and then when given the chance to move, its only in a small ebb and flow kind if way that gets you nowhere
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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Your work has been featured here [link]
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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello there! :wave: This feedback is part of the contest by :iconfeedbackfrenzy:

The title of the poem is an interesting and thought stirring one.The mere title pulls the reader into another world where we are all floating in our own cocoons of solitude and of peace.The poem starts with "ever so silent.....of the eternal waves".This lines immediately brings a rather calming and soothing effect and with the rude light beams, it is as though the person wants to get lost and never be found.It wants to be left alone and at peace.

The second paragraph is about that person floating and is hoping that nobody can find it.Unfortunately for the person, the beach does not want that person and returns it to the place, the world that the person is so desperately trying to avoid.

Though is poem is interesting, it feels incomplete.Maybe rewriting it and adding a bit more imagery would help.Some of the lines lack a bit of depth and hence fail to create the mood.The flow of the poem is lacking, especially in the last lines of each of the paragraphs.

Overall, this is a nice poem and with a bit of work, could be so much better. :)
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:iconselimeia:
Selimeia Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot for the feedback :)

I know there is... something missing, I personally just couldn't say where. Could you point out where you think the imagery is insufficient?
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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You are welcome. :) I think in the middle, you could have described your agony with the world or the peace that you found as you floated away. If not then you could have rephrased what you wrote in a more artistic way. Instead of saying directly like darkness beach does not want me, you could put it as rejected by darkness, I was forced back into the world or something along those lines.I hope this helps What do you say?
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:iconselimeia:
Selimeia Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It does help, but I'll need to take some time to think this through.
If you want to, I'll inform you if I might (which is unlikely, school stresses me like crazy -.-) finally get to rework some stuff. :)
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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I would love to see what you do with this poem :)
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:iconselimeia:
Selimeia Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay, I'll note you if I manage to get to it - might take some time though :blush:
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